


𝐌𝐢𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐎𝐮𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐁𝐥𝐮𝐞

by AoKasei



Series: "as insomnia hits..." [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Fluff, Haikyuu Angst Week 2020, Insomnia, M/M, Post-Break Up, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:33:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27325069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AoKasei/pseuds/AoKasei
Summary: "as insomnia hits, so does his feelings."after the last day of their non-stop training for the season, he was able to sleep peacefully until he couldn't.it's already 2 AM and all he could think about is the blue-green-eyed boy he once considered his whole world.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Series: "as insomnia hits..." [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1994989
Comments: 1
Kudos: 19





	1. track 1 // officially missing you

**Author's Note:**

> originally posted in Wattpad: https://my.w.tt/xx6jAEgMVab
> 
> book title: "as insomnia hits... | haikyuu!! pairings"
> 
> author: AoKasei

After a tiring yet fulfilling day from their training, Bokuto Koutarou decided to go home to his apartment after nth days and weeks; he already lost count of the days and weeks he hasn't go home to his real apartment in Japan. He either sleeps at the common quarters the team has or he took naps on bus and plane rides.

After some hellish and satisfying games and training for the latest season, they were given three weeks to rest and now that he's currently training in his homeland, he decided to go back to his apartment in Tokyo.

It's been 2 weeks since he went back to Japan but it was his first time to step his foot since his arrival on the plain, empty, apartment he-- they bought five years ago. He couldn't even remember when was the last time he smelled the vanilla scent and he felt nostalgic as he dropped his duffel bag on the floor.

He noticed the dust on the now-empty bookshelves and sighed as he walked to the kitchen to put the instant ramen bowls and energy drink bottles he bought on his way home. He thinks it is enough to fill him for some days, he doesn't plan to stay longer than two weeks anyway.

Not that it was the first time they were given breaks like this, they were given enough but it was the first time he decided to spend his precious break in this apartment after a year. He visited his apartment from time to time but he tries to avoid staying too long. The longest he stayed before was 5 hours or so and that was months ago.

And he felt tired of the fast-paced life in Brazil. He felt he would be a burden to his teammates if he crashed into their places for two weeks.

After all, they have lovers and families waiting for them to come home and he has... no one. 

**\---**

After taking a quick shower and deciding to unpack tomorrow, he slumped down on his bed that was rather too big for one person. He sighed in content as he felt the comforting mattress under his body and the vanilla-scented sheets he had.

He frowned, thinking how the hell did the scent stayed despite him not visiting for several weeks together with the absence of the scent's owner who has left already two years ago. He sighed as he shook his head and closed his eyes. He felt tired after the training and all.

Until he reopened them immediately after a moment or two.

Though his body is really tired from the training, his mind is clearly not at rest. He checked the time and it was almost 2 AM.

He started turning on his left. Then to his right. He lied on his stomach. He lied on his back. And covered his head with his pillow.

But to no avail, nothing could stop his unknown thoughts racing on his mind. He sighed and sat up. He was diagnosed with insomnia, after all. He facepalmed mentally as he forgot to buy the sleeping pills earlier. He couldn't even count how many times he sighed tonight.

He stared at the view from his window and Tokyo city lights lit up the darkness of his room with the vanilla scent lingering.

He smiled bitterly as he remembered his first night in this apartment, their first night together in their own apartment. He could barely remember how enthralled he was when they bought this apartment and how comforting the nights were.

  
  
Knowing sleep would not take him over soon enough, he stood up and went outside the balcony.

Nothing changed. He did hope nothing has changed at all.

The loveseat was still there, old but welcoming. He smiled at how small yet spacious the balcony was and it was all thanks to his lover, his past lover.

He decided to lean on the railings to see more of the city lights. He felt wistful. He missed seeing this view, how thrilling yet comforting it made him especially when it was the same lights that blanketed him on his happiest and depressing days.

He looked on the railings and remembered how he used to have a body's warmth in front of him on this spot. And now, all he could feel is the cold breeze Tokyo gave him. He huffed and stared at the horizon.

He felt nostalgic as those colorful lights blocked the stars' luminosity. As much as these city lights light up the darkness, nothing could beat the stars' brightness. And he lost the brightest star in his life.

He looked up and frowned as he saw a starless but cloudy sky. And he knows it would be raining soon, just like what the weather forecast reported earlier.

Taking precautions, he went back inside and sat down on his bed while leaning his back on his headboard. He continued staring at the view his balcony offered until droplets of rain became visible to his eyes.

The sound of raindrops is gradually getting louder until it deafened his ear and to divert his mind, he unlocked his phone and started shuffling one of his playlists.

He tried to lie down and closed his tired eyes, humming to the beat of some music until a song struck him.

_**"All I hear is raindrops falling on the rooftop,"** _he opened his eyes and chuckled as he was on the same scenario, the resonance of raindrops mixing on his playlist.

_**"Oh baby, tell me why'd you have to go 'cause this pain I feel it won't go away,"**_ he suddenly bit his lower lip hard as if it could bleed anytime if he continues.

_**"And today I'm officially missin' you."** Akaashi._ The man who could make him feel as strong as the great-horned owl but as weak as a wingless bird.

_**"I thought that from this heartache, I could escape,"** _he thought so too, he thought he got over these feelings, over this heartache, over him.

_**"Oh, can't nobody do it like you. Said every little thing you do, hey, baby. Said it stays on my mind. And I, I'm officially, "**_ he wasn't aware of the tears that have fallen from his eyes and started hugging the pillow his past lover used to lie on before.

"Missing you, 'Kaashi." he whispered at nothing in particular.

He sniffed the pillow and a strong scent of vanilla hit him which made him cry more. And more. And it never felt enough, it never felt enough to remove the sadness he's carrying for 2 years.

He thought he was over Akaashi, _Akaashi Keiji_. His teammate. His best friend. The man who supported him, the man who believed in him when no one did, the man who lighted up his darkest days. The man who loved him when he can't love himself. And the man he considered his whole world.

_**"All I do is lay around, two years full of tears from looking at your face on the wall,"** _he looked at the left wall of the room and saw Akaashi's painting, his painting of them together and it clenched his heart. Those were the days he would willingly come back, just to see Akaashi's smile reserved just for him even for one last time.

Two years have passed but he could vividly remember those blue-green eyes staring on his golden ones, with sincerity and love. He could remember how it resembled the vastness of a sea on a summer night. And if he were to be asked what is the scariest thing in the world, it's Akaashi's eyes.

Of how you could clearly see all of Akaashi's emotions through his eyes if you stared at him longer — love, joy, concern, distress, disappointment, anger, and pain — and the last thing he saw on those lovely eyes was pain and he blames himself until now.

He grabbed his phone and opened one of his albums in his gallery and scrolled. He realized it was full of stolen shots he had of Akaashi, some were from their dates, and some were from their high school days. And he missed those carefree days where nothing felt a hindrance and dreams were seen as future plans.

And now that he's in the future they had planned together from those days, they were crushed by the waves of reality.

Though Akaashi was crying, it was one of the most memorable photos of them together for him. It was taken by their friend and teammate, Konoha, right before he kissed the black-haired guy and confessed right after with some ramblings and such. 

He remembered how flushed Akaashi was, with the crying and his confession. And that was the best day of his life so far, not even winning some games internationally could defeat that day when Akaashi smiled at him lovingly despite crying after winning a game and told him he loves him too for the first time.

He chuckled at the memory as he hugged the pillow tighter as he scrolled for more pictures of his past lover.

He felt wistful once more.

He remembered despite their hectic and unpaired schedule, at the end of the day, there would always be Akaashi's arms ready to engulf him with warmth and his famous vanilla scent, just like how the sheets smelled right now.

He wondered how did the scent stay that long, after all, two years was too long.

And it was too long for him to have not moved on from the man.

He closed his gallery and switched to one of his social media. And clicked on Akaashi's profile, hoping there was some news of the man's whereabouts.

The last thing he heard was that he migrated to New York after his college graduation and that was a year and a half ago. And he imagined himself before hugging Akaashi after receiving his diploma he deserves with a bouquet of lilacs the man loves, which symbolizes first love.

But shit happened. And he was unable to see the man graduating.

And no one heard about Akaashi after the graduation, that's what they tell him so. He was in Brazil at that time, trying to distract himself from his aching heart by overworking and overdrinking.

He scrolled on his Instagram and the latest picture Akaashi posted was a year ago - a picture of 2 venti cups of coffee from a famous cafe with the Empire State Building on the background.

And he did think Akaashi is dating someone else already. Or not. He wasn't sure. But he's sure he wished Akaashi wasn't dating anyone.

He was kind of expecting this lack of update since Akaashi was a reserved person and valued his privacy unlike him who posts too much on social media until last year. He felt too tired with the life Brazil offered him.

He locked his phone, knowing it would be useless and hard to look at Akaashi's face. Especially if he felt drowning in a whirlpool of emotions from Akaashi's eyes.

He faced the ceiling and remembered how they used to do this together as they talk about their day and their random thoughts where they would laugh together about.

He remembered how they couldn't sleep at times and counted sheep while facing this ceiling until he slept with Akaashi caressing his hair.

He smiled as he remembered how Akaashi's face would always block his view of the ceiling, with a smile on those thin lips that peppers his face with kisses after a tiring day. He missed that feeling, where even a kiss on a forehead from Akaashi would soothe him down. And when that was enough to continue living.

He smiled as he remembered the late-night talks they had, may it be on this bed or on the phone when he's out of Japan.

He remembered the first time Akaashi has cried over the phone, admitting how the man missed him even if it was just two weeks since he flew.

And how he foolishly booked a ticket to Japan just to see Akaashi. Even after the scoldings from his team and their coach when he came back to Brazil after two days, it was worth seeing Akaashi's smile and feel the man's warmth.

He smiled as he remembered how Akaashi surprise visited him in Brazil one time and even the whole team knew the plan the man had made beforehand. He was on his best form in that game, especially when he saw Akaashi cheering on him.

Akaashi never missed his games and felt the whole world is watching just by seeing Akaashi standing in the front row, cheering for him.

'Cheer me on, my world.'

And he felt so lucky to have a supportive boyfriend like Akaashi, thinking what good deed has he done before in his past life to have him in his life. He couldn't ask for more.

But all things come to an end, especially the best ones.

And he remembers the promises he broke.

The times when he was unable to go to some of their dates and because of his schedule and his tiredness from training.

The time when he was unable to keep his promise Akaashi that he'll go back before the man's birthday because of volleyball. 

But Akaashi understood it all and continued supporting him and loving him despite the things he lacks.

Until breaking his promise to give all the love and support Akaashi deserves. 

And he remembers the small fights they had.

The time he got jealous over Akaashi's friend from middle school when they were in high school. And Akaashi didn't talk to him until he apologized for his rude behavior. 

The time when they argued when he was sick and he misunderstood Akaashi's concern to him. Akaashi became more overprotective towards him after that.

The time when he got mad when he learned Akaashi was not eating properly when he left for Brazil. He even asked Atsumu to tell Osamu to cook onigiri for Akaashi every other day after that. 

There were more small, harmless, and childish fights to where they would end up apologizing and making up to each other which made their relationship stronger.

Until the last fight that not even comforting words and actions could heal. Even he could not bring to forgive himself with the words he said.

And he remembers the last fight they had that lead to his loneliness today.

The time when he was too selfish to stop Akaashi from his dreams and told Akaashi not to grab the opportunity New York offered him after graduating.

The time where hurtful words came out of his mouth while Akaashi is trying to contradict him.

The time when he got scared Akaashi would be miles away from him for two years or so; he was stressed, hurt, confused, and all the negativity was bringing him down.

The time when he didn't go back to their apartment after their fight and found solace on drinking in one of the bars that make Tokyo livelier.

The time when he came back tipsy and greeted by a worried Akaashi.

The time when he doubted Akaashi's love for him.

The time when he made Akaashi choose between him and the man's dreams.

But even when Akaashi chose him instead of his dreams, he spouted those ten stupid words he could clearly remember.

_"I'm already tired of this. Let's just break up, Akaashi."_

And he remembers the pain in Akaashi's eyes.

The way how Akaashi stared at him until a tear fell his left eye.

The way Akaashi bit his lower lip to suppress crying.

The way Akaashi gathered his things silently and looked at him for the last time with a smile that was rather forceful.

_"If that's what you want, Bokuto-san. Goodbye. I love you."_

And he remembers the pain expression on Akaashi's face as he walked out the door and his life completely.

And he wasn't able to do anything to stop Akaashi because he was a coward and a fool.

Because he knows Akaashi deserves better, not like him who's too selfish and insecure of himself.

And he remembers all of his regrets as he listens to this very song.

And how he felt like shit as he missed Akaashi, his first and last love, out of the blue.

"I still love you, Akaashi." He whispered to nothing in particular before closing his eyes. _**"And I'm officially missing you."**_

\---

ɴᴏᴡ ᴘʟᴀʏɪɴɢ ꜰʀᴏᴍ ᴘʟᴀʏʟɪꜱᴛ  
♫ 𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐧𝐢𝐚𝐜 ♫

𝙊𝙛𝙛𝙞𝙘𝙞𝙖𝙡𝙡𝙮 𝙈𝙞𝙨𝙨𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙔𝙤𝙪 ****

Tamia

◄◄ ****❚❚ ►►

\---


	2. track 2 // talking to the moon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "as insomnia hits, so does his feelings."
> 
> he came back to Japan after his internship in New York.  
> he wasn't supposed to feel anything yet he remembers the golden-eyed boy he once considered his whole world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Akaashi should have graduated first before leaving but yes, for the sake of the story, pls don't mind my mistake i'm so sorry (*_ _)人

He sighed as he set his foot outside the bar where his old friend invited him. It wasn't like him to drink in bars since he prefers coffees over liquors when it comes to relieving stress. But he doesn't want to be rude, especially when he kind of missed his friend of his.

He started walking as he felt the cold breeze hit his body. He cursed himself for forgetting his coat in the hotel he's staying at in this kind of weather. It's almost November and winter is close by.

Akaashi Keiji arrived in Japan two days ago, after completing his internship in New York for a year and a half. And he could say he's back for good in his hometown.

And he admits he missed his life in Tokyo, together with the bittersweet memories with his past lover.

He frowned as his phone rang and saw his friend's name and realized he has forgotten to call since he arrived in Japan.

"Kenma." He greeted and heard as his friend on the other line sighed. " _So were you just waiting for me to call or never call at all?_ " He chuckled as he could imagine his friend scrunching up his nose out of annoyance.

"I'm sorry, I was too caught up with Tokyo. And Oikawa has invited me to drink tonight. Have you told him I came back?" He heard Kenma hummed. " _I know you don't want people to know but you should have at least someone to welcome you back, especially when Oikawa's having his vacation in Japan. I somehow feel bad that I could not accompany you there._ "

He just hummed. "It's okay, I understand. I was planning to call Oikawa anyway, I remembered he told us before he'll be visiting Japan this winter. Anyway, how are you back there?" He's actually concerned about leaving Kenma back in New York.

But he couldn't do anything, especially when Kenma's the one who doesn't want to come back. 

Before graduating from college, knowing he would just be a wreck if he stayed in Tokyo, he accepted the internship offer in New York with a blind eye.

He knew he wasn't thinking rationally as he booked a flight and packed his things in the temporary dorm he stayed in after leaving the apartment he shared with Bokuto.

It was then when he realized that he knew no one in New York. And he doesn't have enough money to rent an apartment for himself before getting his salary. His parents were already gone and he wasn't close to his relatives. He couldn't even rely on his friends.

He was about to back out from the internship before his little savior stopped him. Kozume Kenma is one of his close friends who he'd known long, together with Oikawa who was in Argentina at that time.

When his two friends learned of his situation, he could say the two were enranged of him backing out.

Kenma, who is already the CEO of his own gaming company, offered to share his apartment in New York since Kenma decided to widen his company there. But he knew there were more reasons behind why the smaller guy decided to join him and stay in New York.

They talked more until Kenma bid goodbye. " _Don't forget to update me. And tell me if you already found an apartment_." Kenma reminded him and he just chuckled. "Yes, mother." He said sarcastically to which Kenma grunted and ended the call.

Sometimes, even if it's adorable to see a caring Kenma, it's kind of annoying but he appreciates it. He just doesn't want his friend to worry about him, even if it's kind of ironic since he worries too much about Kenma at times, especially when no one's out there to look out for him now that he's here.   
  


He breathed deeply before starting to walk in the familiar streets of Tokyo. And nostalgia hits him, as he saw the Tokyo Skytree in the view especially when it's a sight that is hard to miss.

He smiled as a memory from high school resided whenever he sees the tower. Those were the days he would willingly come back if he has the chance. Because he knows his smiles were pure and genuine back then, especially when he was with his volleyball ace.

He sighed as he shook his head. 'Get a grip, Akaashi. You did not come back to remember a past that you should have forgotten when you were in New York.'  
  


He looked at the time and realized it was too early to go back to the hotel, for him 11 PM became early after adapting to the nightlife he had in New York. Not because of partying, but because of overworking and overthinking until his body became accustomed to sleeping at past midnight and waking up an hour or two before his work starts.

He continued venturing out the streets Tokyo had. He was kind of regretting not doing this as much as he can back then. But, he remembered he doesn't have the luxury of time before because of his studies. He may be good at time management but he would rather spend his free time resting.

And remembered he would rather stay snuggled up with Bokuto every night before. He sighed.

A restaurant had made him halt which made his heart stop as well. It was the restaurant owned by one of the twins he knew back from high school, Osamu Miya. Onigiri Miya is still not close and he decided to go in, taking the risk of chances of meeting the gray-haired twin.

He smiled as the interior looked the same as Sendai, classy but cozy. He remembered how he used to eat in the original branch, especially when Osamu had dragged him from Tokyo to Sendai by "the orders of annoying Tsumu". But he knew too well who told the gray-haired man to feed him.

Though no one else was inside, he sat by the counter and smiled wistfully as he smelled the famous onigiri he used to love when he was younger. _Used to._

He couldn't even remember when was the last time he ate onigiri, despite being his comfort food since he was young. Now that he's 24, he forgot how onigiris taste like. He only ate one kind of Japanese meal in New York and the rest were more American junk foods because of Kenma. And he started to like the greasy pizzas, burgers, and medium-rare steaks which are known in the city. 

"Fukurodani's Akaashi?" He looked at the man in front of him and smiled curtly. "Myaa-sam, it's been a while." He greeted politely, surprisingly. "Though you don't need to add Fukurodani, that was years ago." He added. He dislikes the way his alma mater brings too many memories.

Osamu looked at him like he was an alien who came to earth and he couldn't blame his senior. "I... I would like to order some of your famous onigiris if you're not closing that is." He said to break the tension and Osamu coughed as he realized he was looking weirdly.

"Oh yes, what would you like? I'm sorry it's been what, two years? Since the last time I saw you. I wasn't expecting you to be here in my main branch in Tokyo." Osamu chuckled as he gave him the menu. He just smiled as he looked through the menu. "It's a good thing you extended here. I was just strolling until I came to notice this."

He ordered a tamago and salmon onigiri and Osamu told him to wait up. He waited silently as he looked more into his surroundings. He saw that there were frames of famous Japanese volleyball players and saw Atsumu and MSBY and..... Bokuto.

He stood up and went near the picture frame of the said team. He knew this was taken after he left because Bokuto looked so different. He looked happy and trying to make that one-of-a-kind smile. But Bokuto's eyes said otherwise. He looked so tired and lifeless. And it excruciates him to see the golden-eyed boy like this in a picture.

He wanted to blame himself but he can't.

"He changed, hm?" His thoughts were disrupted as he heard Osamu's voice from the counter. He was caught off guard to see Osamu smiling. "That's what you're thinking, right?" Osamu asked to which he shook his head and went back to his seat.

"Bokuto changed, not only he became silent but Tsumu always complain how Bokuto is overworking always and tiring Bokuto's extra training are," Osamu said as he grabbed a bottle of asked on his cellar.

He just nodded and looked down as he ate his onigiri silently. "I don't know the whole story but I don't want you to feel bad, especially when Bokuto always blames himself whenever he's eating and drinking here." Osamu poured the drink into 2 glasses.

"Drinking?" He asked as he frowned. Bokuto hates drinking and he only witnessed the man drank once and it was the last time he saw him. Osamu hummed as he drank his sake. "That's another thing. Whenever he's here, he would drink like there's no tomorrow. I even wonder how could he managed to stay fit 'til now."

He stayed silent and continued eating his onigiri. "How about you, Akaashi? What's new?" Osamu asked when he noticed the atmosphere became awkward.

He looked up and just smiled lightly. "Nothing much, I just came back from New York two days ago after a year and a half. And I guess I'll stay for a while for my job with Udai-san." He said as he drank the sake Osamu gave him.

"Huh, that's good to hear then. I guess I'll be seeing you more here, right?" Osamu asked as he grinned. He forced out a chuckle and hummed in response but thoughts were clouding him again. He continued eating his onigiri in silence. 

"I guess you wanted to know if Bokuto's in Japan, hm?" Osamu asked once more. He frowned as he tried to calm his nerves and let out a deep sigh. "I don't know where that came from but I didn't come here to reminisce the past with you or anyone else, Myaa-sam." He muttered rather rudely.

Osamu just smiled at him apologetically. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It was rude of me. I just noticed how you looked at the frame earlier." Osamu said but he kept silent. He, too, wanted to apologize for sounding rude but his thoughts were continuously drowning him from Osamu's words.

He didn't hear anything from the golden-eyed guy when he left for New York, or rather he tried not to. He stopped watching Japanese volleyball or anything related to volleyball. He, too, felt tired but remorseful for feeling that and leaving Bokuto behind.

He chose his dream after all. 

"Bokuto rarely goes to the apartment you used to share with him since you left. But I know he never sold it despite staying with me or Tsumu's apartment whenever they spend their vacations here. Which is kind of annoying since he's either 0 or at 120%, really." Osamu said in annoyance.

He wanted to smile, knowing that 0 to 120% thing of Bokuto didn't change but he couldn't, especially when he remembers Bokuto used to tell him to give his 120% at all times, especially when playing volleyball.

"I don't know where they are currently, though. It's already their break from the season and Tsumu decided to spend his break in South Korea so maybe Bokuto's there as well right now." Osamu continued as he finished his drink.

"I was not asking of Bokuto-san's whereabouts but okay." He muttered and had his last bite and drank the sake before saying thanks and bringing out his wallet to pay. He feels suffocated already and he just wants to be away from here, away from anyone else.

"Don't worry, it's on the house. It's nice to have one of my regulars back." Osamu said and smiled genuinely. He couldn't help himself but force a smile despite the tension from their conversation earlier.

"Thank you for the meal, Myaa-sam. I'll come back as soon as possible. Eating my favorite onigiris after two years is kind of refreshing." He bowed politely and left the restaurant hastily with Osamu waving.   
  


**\---**

He breathed deeply as he felt the cold breeze once again. He wasn't expecting that, to have a conversation with someone who he's not expecting to be talkative and nosy. But he wasn't judging, Osamu has changed too. Like everyone else did.

Like how Bokuto's eyes were.

And like how he changed. And how he hates some things in him have not changed. Like how he still worries for Bokuto from time to time.

He just hates himself. 

He plugged in his earphones, just to distract himself while venturing out the lively night Tokyo has. He wanted to remove those thoughts, those thoughts that kept him up at some nights when he's alone in his room in Kenma's apartment. Or when he's working late in his workspace.

He wanted to remove his thoughts about Bokuto. He wanted to remove them completely, to forget him permanently. But here he is, walking under the city lights of Tokyo after returning from New York two days ago, and thinking of the man who he loved, he hated, he misses at the same time.

He kept walking and walking. He let his feet take the lead until he gets lost in Tokyo at past midnight.

It's funny how he could get lost in his hometown, in a place he lived for 22 years.

Or maybe he, himself, is lost and never been found at all.

Or he started to lose a part of him when he lost Bokuto.

He wasn't sure anymore. If this was from the sake he drank, he couldn't trust his thoughts. He just wanted to run away. Again.

And so he did. 

He didn't know how or why but he ended up in the place he wants to avoid the most.

It may be a normal spot on a riverbank for other people living in Tokyo but it was a memorable spot where Bokuto and he would usually hang-out and date after school, after his university, after Bokuto's practices.

It was their safe haven.

And he doesn't know why he ended up here but he sat down. He was too tired of running anyway. 

He started catching his breath as he stared at the river the mirrors the night sky while listening to his playlist. He never felt this tired but refreshed at the same time. He felt like this was the run he needed since then — away from work, stress, pain, and reality.

His breathing started to steady as he lied down on the moist grass. He missed this, the feeling of the grass on his back with the cold breeze on his skin. But he really missed the warmth beside him, the warm hugs Bokuto would give whenever they lie down here silently. When that was enough reason to live. 

He continued lying down with his playlist on his background. And smiled as he saw the stars above him. He missed this when he and Bokuto would look out for constellations above them.

And when he would teach Bokuto about constellations while the latter would stare at him instead of the stars with those beautiful golden gleaming eyes as if he was the constellations he was talking about.

If he would dedicate a constellation to Bokuto, it would be Noctua, an owl constellation that was found on the tail of the constellation Hydra. Too bad it could not be recognized anymore.

And he reckons Bokuto was a star, the brightest star he saw in his entire life. Especially the first time he saw him in Fukurodani's gym when he entered the first time. The man stood so bright that he would do anything to stop the brightness from dying.

But he let the brightness die, together with the life in Bokuto's eyes.

He loved this place, to be honest. He sees himself coming back here, one way or another. He loved how the spot could show him the darkness, the stars, and the moon. And how it would brighten their night aside from the reflection of city lights.

But without a doubt, it felt lonely without Bokuto's warmth and voice accompanying him on a night like this. He closed his eyes with a thought of the moon, coldness of the breeze, and his music.

**_"I know you're somewhere out there. Somewhere far away."_ **

He opened his eyes as he heard the first line of the song. That song which he played countless times before but never got tired of it. If he was asked to say how he would describe his life in New York, he would let them listen to this song. 

**_"I want you back. I want you back."_ **

He smiled bitterly, knowing that he still wants Bokuto back after the two years they've separated. 

_**"But they don't understand.** _ _**You're all I have. You're all I have."** _

He sat up and remembered how Kenma used to tell him it was no use. It was no use to get hung up with his feelings towards the ace. And he's not entirely at fault. It was Bokuto who broke it up, anyway.

But Kenma knows, or any of those who knew, that Bokuto was all he had to keep living. And it was the greatest mistake when he gave up that night, because he, too, felt tired. 

_**"At night when the stars light up my room, I sit by myself, talking to the moon. Tryin' to get to you."** _

He bit his lip hard as he pushed his knees to his chest. He looked up and saw how he was in the same situation but in a different spot. 

In the first months when he left the shared apartment with Bokuto, he decided to stay in the dorm where Kenma is renting. Kenma's roommate and his friend, Kuroo Tetsurou, already moved out since the man graduated ahead of them and he knew there were more reasons behind it but he didn't want to be nosy in Kenma's business. 

When he was doing nothing, he would always stare outside the window of his dorm. At night, stars were sometimes visible but the moon was present almost every night, like a glowing enigma through his window.

He isolated himself. From people up to the smallest things that would remind him of Bokuto. It wasn't impossible but it was hard, especially when the farthest thing like the moon reminds him of the man he loves.

And at the end of the day, he would talk about how his day went as he stared at the moon as if it was Bokuto who's listening to him. 

_**"In hopes you're on the other side, talking to me too. Or am I a fool who sits alone, talking to the moon."** _

As months came by, he knew it was foolish of him to talk about how his day went to the moon sometimes. But he couldn't help himself but continue talking to the moon, in hopes that Bokuto was doing the same.

He continued talking to the moon, even if Kenma was just a room apart from him. Because the lack of response was kind of comforting to him and there was no one to judge him.

If the moon could talk, his tears and breakdowns would be the moon's tale. 

He continued staring at the moon without noticing the tears falling from his eyes. He sometimes hates how it ironically glowing while he was hurting. He sniffed and closed his eyes as he let those tears fall.

For the past two years, he was unable to move on from Bokuto Koutarou. And he couldn't bring himself to hate the man but love him and miss him more.

He tried to date other people in New York but he couldn't bring himself to take it to the next level. He still felt lonely and empty. They were nothing good like Bokuto, no one was better than Bokuto. Because he knew Bokuto was the best and the ace would be his first and last love.

He continued sobbing, letting all the pain he tried to suppress when he was in New York. And it felt like those tears were not enough to let all the pain out.

Back then, he could distract himself from his work and coffee. He could distract himself from the nightlife New York has. He tried going to a club once, but the noise and wild atmosphere was out to his liking.

But now, nothing could distract him. Nothing could hold him back from crying his heart out as if his eyes could start bleeding. Nothing like the river, the moon, and the stars could free him in this pain.

And if he were to be asked at that moment what's the scariest thing for him, it was loneliness because nothing is as vast as loneliness.

And he floated in the vastness of loneliness for two years, with the strong feelings towards Bokuto. He never felt so scared in his life as he lose the love of his life. 

"Aghaashi?" His mind was playing tricks on him. He could hear Bokuto's voice calling his name that made him sob more but laugh at the same time.

He missed Bokuto's comforting voice. He missed the man calling him in different variations of his surname when they were in high school. May it be Aghaashi or Kaashi, he knew those nicknames were just for him, and him alone.

But he really missed the way Bokuto would call him by his first name when they make love or when they're simply with each other. He missed how Bokuto's voice perfectly fits his name.

He also remembered how he called the man "Bokuto-san" back then. It sounded too formal but he enjoyed calling the man like that. But when they started dating, he liked his given nickname to the man better.

"Kou", which means light, just like how the man lights up his life. 

"Keiji?" He frowned, he should stop his mind playing tricks on him already. As much he wanted to hear Bokuto calling him that again, he needs to stop himself from delusions.

He looked up from his folded knees and started wiping his tears. He was sure he looked wrecked with his now puffy eyes and red nose but it made him stop as something blocked his view, rather someone. 

He looked upon the figure's head and he felt too much as his blue eyes met those familiar golden eyes.

"Koutarou?" 

He doesn't know if this was a coincidence or why the man is here when he's supposed to be in South Korea but he doesn't care. He is here, standing in front of him, breathing, blinking, speaking.

And as if all his pain and tears have been uplifted as he saw the man he's longing for.

As if those two years were thrown away as they stare at each other, as those golden eyes beat the moon's and stars' glow for once.

As if he felt something in him reawakening. 

In a blink of an eye, he was on the ground between the arms of the man who's holding him tightly.

He held the man as tightly as he can, as he felt the man sobbing on his shoulders.

 _"_ I missed you, Keiji. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." The man continued chanting like a mantra.

"I missed you too, Kou. And I'm sorry for leaving you." He muttered as he felt the man hugged him more tightly as if he was about to vanish. He felt bad for smiling as Bokuto sobbed harder while apologizing.

He realized he never hated the man for breaking it up. They just needed some time for themselves but it was a big mistake to break up, to leave things without understanding and fighting for each other. 

And he never felt so complete as he felt those familiar arms hugging him tightly and while hearing the man's declarations of love as they lie down on the same spot they call their safe haven.

He smiled genuinely. This was enough to live again.

He would take the risk again of loving Bokuto Koutarou. But this time, he would stay and fight.

He's back for good and he would never leave his star, his light, and his world once again no matter what.   
  


_**\---** _

ɴᴏᴡ ᴘʟᴀʏɪɴɢ ꜰʀᴏᴍ ᴘʟᴀʏʟɪꜱᴛ  
♫ 𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐧𝐢𝐚𝐜 ♫

𝙏𝙖𝙡𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙩𝙤 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙈𝙤𝙤𝙣

Bruno Mars

◄◄ ❚❚ ►►

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading!
> 
> again, im sorry if i suck at writing angst (╥﹏╥)
> 
> but do tell me your thoughts about it if u want to ^^   
> im open to any criticism and suggestions ヽ(・∀・)ﾉ

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!! 
> 
> im sorry if i suck at writing angst (｡•́︿•̀｡)


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